zeevee3 (zeevee3) wrote,

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Vampires don't sparkle.

Amber gazed at the pool of blood that surrounded her. The gash in her leg had already faded to a faint line. She had been injured, but the blood surrounding her was not her own. Looking around the room her eyes fell on a pile of cloth, bones and even more blood. These items had once been people. Now nothing more than a collection of twisted and broken marionettes. Amber chuckled to herself as she thought of what her new abilities could do.

She rummaged through the debris and found that it consisted of five people, four men and a woman. She picked up a head, it belonged to the man who had led the charge on her house. She could still picture the murderous look in his eyes, his bared teeth, the flaming torch in his hand. He and his companions had broken down her door wielding stakes and crucifixes. Now his eyes were cold and blank. She tossed his head back to the floor.

She knelt down and ran her fingers through the blood that had pooled at her feet. It was still warm. Absent mindedly she traced symbols across the floor with the blood and wondered what to do next.

These people had realised what she was, and if they had then others would too. She could try and escape them, she could leave, but where would she go? She didn’t know who had done this to her. Why she was like this. She needed answers, and she knew that this was where she would find them. So for now, she would stay here. After all, if anyone else came knocking they would meet the same fate as the others.

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I love the marionette description. I love how she so casually picks up some dude's severed head and examines it. I love how this is obviously a vampire story but it sounds like it doesn't suck like all the 23509823769034576 other ones that have been written in this day and age. Unique vampire stories are always a plus.

There a few things that peeve me though. The first thing I noticed was how the first two paragraphs both start with Amber. When I read through it again I noticed that you used her name at the very end of the first paragraph, so I think it would be fine if you started the next one with just 'she'. I suppose sentence variety is one of my writer's pet peeves. >_< The second thing is, "She had been hurt but the large gash in her leg had already faded to a faint line. This blood was not her own." I don't like the 'she had been hurt' bit. Maybe something more like, "The gash in her leg had already faded to a faint line. She had been injured, but the blood surrounding her was not her own." It sounds smoother and it's more effective. That's just my opinion though; as the author you should decide what you like better. :]

I do hope you continue this. :D
Heehee i like the marionette thing if i do say so myself :P I hate twilight and all the things like that, im bringing violent and bloody vampires back!

Oh yeah i see the Amber at the start of both, that has got to go.

The "She had been hurt..." line had been really bugging me and i had a hard time trying to word it so thanks for that ^_^ I'm gonna change that now :)

I've actually written a load more but on paper, I need to get typing it up!
Violent and bloody vampires are the best type of vampires. >:] I think the only published vampire series I like is Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles (Interview With The Vampire, etc.). Come to think of it, she tends to do a whole lot of description...but she does it in a way that's beautiful instead of dull. Which is amazing to me, so maybe that's why I like her so much.

Yes, you do need to type it up! Soon. >:o but I definitely recommend finding a community to post these in, because otherwise they're not likely to be read. (And they deserve to be read.) I made that mistake with the first thing I posted on livejournal because it was an original story and I had no idea where to put it. xD
Yeah i do need to find a communtity that's a good point, time for the community hunt to begin!