zeevee3 (zeevee3) wrote,
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zeevee3

Vampires Don't Sparkle - Part 2

Picking her way through the wreckage of bodies she accidentally kicked something across the room. As it rolled it made a clear pathway through the blood and she watched as the blood slowly crept back together behind it. It came to rest against a table leg where she picked it up. It was a bulb of garlic. She broke off a glove and put it in her mouth, savouring the odd combination of the taste of the garlic and the metallic tang of blood. She smiled to herself- it actually tasted pretty good.

Rummaging through the pockets of what remained of clothing Amber found fourteen more bulbs of garlic, five stakes – one with a severed hand still clinging to it, and two small vials. She held one up to the light to examine the liquid, it was... water?

How had these people believed that these objects would stop her? They didn’t even slow her down.

She straightened up and headed for the door. As she walked she passed the fireplace and the mirror above it she jumped suddenly backwards, she could see her reflection. She remembered vampire stories from when she was younger and as far as she knew vampires didn’t have reflections. The face staring back at her from the frame didn’t look much different either. She looked just the same as she always had, her slightly imperfect nose, green eyes and red hair. The only thing that was different was that blood covered her hands, her clothes, and the lower half of her face. She needed a shower and some clean clothes but more importantly; she needed to hide the bodies. Or what was left of them.

*****

Amber took of her blood soaked clothes and stepped into the shower. She was transfixed by the swirling patterns the blood made in the water as it ran down the drain. It took a full 20 minutes to get all of the blood out of her hair.

Reaching into her cupboard she pulled out the nearest thing and quickly got dressed. Only a day ago what she wore had been important to her, now it seemed so trivial. She’s killed people, she wasn’t proud of it yet it didn’t seem to bother her either. This is what worried her. She knew she should feel bad but she felt nothing of the ort. She thought of the people’s families and friends, all the people they had left behind yet somehow she felt nothing. No pity. No remorse. In her mind it was just something that had to be done. She hated being this, whatever this was. She needed to find out who had done this to her and why. And most likely make them pay.

She had a very good plan for how she was going to get rid of the bodies. She pulled all of the remains onto the rug in the middle of the floor which by now had soaked up most of the blood. She took the edges of the rug and folded them up around the pile. Once she was happy that nothing would fall out she dragged her makeshift parcel towards the door, grabbing the car keys on the way out.

Having managed to shove the ‘parcel’ in the boot of her car she was in the process of locking the boot again when she heard someone speak

“What have you got there?” she turned at the sound of the voice and saw a little boy of about 5 staring at her from the pavement

“I’m just taking some stuff to my friend’s farm” she said with a smile, he smiled back and scampered off down the road to catch up with his mother.  Amber climbed into the car, turned out of her road and drove away.

Her car was an old and battered Ford that she’s had for years. It wasn’t much to look at but it ran fine, even if it was largely held together by duct tape. A friend of hers had left her to look after his farm whilst he was away in Germany, this was where she was going. Simon had warned her that the pigs would eat anything they came across so she had to be careful not leaving any of her things lying around. It was time to find out whether they really would eat anything.

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WHY THE HELL WON'T IT LET ME COMMENT
Oh, possibly because my comment is too long... here, I'll split it up.

Some simple grammar mistakes and other things that caught my eye:

Picking her way through the wreckage of bodies, she accidentally kicked something across the room.
There should be a comma after bodies, and the sentence sounds a little awkward to start off a chapter with. Maybe make it 'While picking her way through the wreckage of bodies'?

She broke off a glove and put it in her mouth, savouring the odd combination of the taste of the garlic and the metallic tang of blood.
I think you meant 'clove' instead of 'glove'. xD In my opinion I think 'the taste of the' is unnecessary in this sentence. It would sound smoother without, and the reader still gets the point that she's describing the taste thanks to the word 'savouring'.

Rummaging through the pockets of what remained of clothing Amber found fourteen more bulbs of garlic, five stakes – one with a severed hand still clinging to it - and two small vials.
The beginning of this sentence sounds awkward too. You could just say something like, 'Rummaging through tattered pockets, Amber...' Or even better, mention/describe something about the dead bodies beforehand, and then change this sentence to something like, 'Rummaging through their tattered pockets, Amber...' If that makes any sense. Also, I added another dash in the appropriate place above.

As she walked, she passed the fireplace and the mirror above it. Suddenly she jumped backwards. She could see her reflection.
That's how I think this sentence should be edited for greater effect, but feel free to do what you like with it. The grammar was off though.

She looked just the same as she always had, with her slightly imperfect nose, green eyes and red hair.

She needed a shower and some clean clothes but more importantly; she needed to hide the bodies.
I think the semicolon is misplaced here. It should just be a comma. But correct me if I'm wrong. xD

Also, the entire fourth paragraph uses a whole lot of 'she's, so maybe you could work on editing that?

Amber took off her blood soaked clothes and stepped into the shower.
You missed one f. xD

Only a day ago what she wore had been important to her, now it seemed so trivial.
Sounds awkward to me. Try moving the 'so' between 'been' and 'important' instead, and adding a 'but' before 'now'. This sentence could be worked on further though.

She’s killed people. She wasn’t proud of it, but it didn’t seem to bother her either. That was what worried her.
Be careful about verb tense. Always decide what tense you're going to be using at the beginning of a story, and keep it consistent or else the writing will end up sounding sloppy and confusing.

She knew she should feel bad but she felt nothing of the sort.

She thought of the people’s families and friends, of all the people they had left behind; yet somehow she felt nothing.

Having managed to shove the ‘parcel’ in the boot of her car she was in the process of locking the boot again when she heard someone speak

“What have you got there?” she turned at the sound of the voice and saw a little boy of about 5 staring at her from the pavement

Missed periods completely on these two sentences.

“I’m just taking some stuff to my friend’s farm,” she said with a smile. He smiled back and scampered off down the road to catch up with his mother.

A friend of hers had left her to look after his farm whilst he was away in Germany, this was where she was going.
This sentence is confusing. Try something more like, 'Her friend Simon had trusted her to look after his farm while he was away in Germany, and this was where she was going.'
There were a few other places where I felt like a comma was needed, but I won't point out every single one. All I can say is proofread before posting; it will do a lot of good. xD

Also, I wonder how easy it is to shove a rug full of five humans into the back of a truck without revealing anything? (Assuming it's a pick-up truck, because that's the only way they'd fit.) I'll also assume that your vampires have super strength, so weight isn't a problem. And the person who questioned her is a kid, which I like, because it makes the idea of him not being suspicious a lot more believable. But I do hope that she tied up that rug good on all sides, or else there'd be body parts flying out everywhere.
What I'm getting at is that I think there could be a much more realistic way of disposing the bodies. Like maybe if she dragged the bodies outside and burned them or something. Even better, burned down the whole house and went on a road trip to find the answers she wants. I know you said she was going to stay home, but usually a vampire chick going on an adventure is a lot more appealing to readers than a vampire chick staying at home and thinking about her vampirism. Unless you have a better idea in mind for what happens later in the story, in which case you can totally disregard mine. xD

Yeah, I think I'm done now. Hopefully I helped!
And I want to read more soon, so please don't be discouraged! I really am trying to help. I do enjoy this story. :] I just wish you would post more of it at once. xD